The morphine has helped and hopefully, I won't get addicted!

I've been on the morphine for about 5 weeks. I can definitely tell it's reduced the pain.  Am I pain free?  NO!  Will I ever be?  NO!  Too bad for me....

I saw my pain doctor a week ago and he upped the morphine dose from 2 to 3 pills per day.  He thought it might help me through the holidays.  I keep notes of the pain I have daily so I know what's working (not much) and what's not (a lot).  I document the drugs I take in case I have to supplement with the morphine.  I document my activities.  I looked through my notes the other day and I actually had 3 "active days" (active for me, at least).  It was amazing.  I don't know if the 3 morphine pills were the reason.  Wish I could be sure because I would do it every day.

My primary care provider doubled my dose of cymbalta.  I took it for 2 weeks.  I usually have dry mouth and constipation but this multiplied it by 10!  I went back to the 60 mg daily.  No one should have to drink magnesium citrate 2 days in a row to have a bowel movement.

When I first started taking the morphine, I expected it was to reduce the pain so that I could exercise and be more normal.  Now that I'm more active, I know that I have a big decision to make.  I cannot bare the thought of taking morphine for the rest of my life.  Not only is addiction an issue but the dose will have to be increased once my body gets used to it.  The only other option is to lay in bed most of the day.  Hopefully, I can get this figured out soon.

One of the reasons for getting the stimulator was to reduce my meds.  I'm going in the wrong direction!!!

So with the New Year, I'm on to year 19 of my pain struggle.

Pain Doctor's Recommendation

Yes, I went to the pain doctor and cried through most of the appointment.  He agreed that this surgery has set me back.  He wants me to move - who should stay in bed all day if it can possibly be helped?!

In an effort to give me a "jump start" to a positive recovery, he prescribed morphine!  What?  That's when I really started boo hooing.  Really?  That seems so extreme.  Never in my entire life would I have expected to be on morphine at some point.

This is not who I am.  I was once a successful healthcare administrator.  I had a 32 year career.  I had to stop working in 2008.  It had all become just too much.  It's pretty hard to give up a $90,000 annual salary.

Now, I'm 30 pounds heavier, lay in bed half the day - from the pain, and miserable.

I want my life back!!!!  I know I'll never be the same.  I'm no spring chicken but would like to be somewhat normal, at least.

Once I got through the initial shock, I agreed to the morphine.  Of course, my husband flipped out when I told him!  I've been taking it for 6 days.  I guess it helps a little.  I'm still taking tylenol 2x daily, occasional advil and flexeril.

Yesterday seemed to be a reasonable day.  I was on my stationary bike for 25 minutes and did a few light things around the house.  I was falling asleep at 7:45 last night so decided it was time to sleep.  Apparently, the things I did yesterday were exhausting for me.  I didn't sleep well after 10 pm and finally got up at 3:30am today.  Couldn't sleep because of the pain.  Fortunately, in my circumstance, I can always go back to sleep later.  If I still worked, then what would I do?

I'm back to the anger again.  I'm seeing my psychologist next Tuesday.

Tired of being patient, tired of fighting...

I thought writing about this would make things better for me psychologically but no.....  I thought I was getting better and maybe I have, a little.  I'm afraid of the pain which keeps me from doing things. Sometimes, the fear of the pain immobilizes me and sometimes, I push through it.  The result is usually horrible and then I can't see through the pain.

EVERYONE and I mean everyone thinks they have the answer.  I wish they did.  I've tried 80% of the things that are suggested by doctors, family and friends.

I'm 3 weeks post op and going to the pain doctor today.  I may have improved SLIGHTLY but not even close to being able to resume a normal life.  I can't even do the activities I did before this last surgery.  This surgery was not the answer.  Of course, I'll hopefully think differently in the near future.

I'm soooooooooo tired of fighting.

Trying to increase my exercise

9 weeks post op and still dealing with the mid back pain.  The pain doctor wants me to move more.  I've spent as much as 25 minutes with no resistance on my stationary bike.  I try to walk 10-14 minutes on alternate days.  Everything I do that creates stress on my legs causes extreme pain.  This cramping pain I have seems unbearable at times.  I'm "afraid of the pain" which makes it tough mentally to attempt to increase my movement/exercise.  I have to push myself to do it.

Now, they suggest I take a muscle relaxer and tramadol before I exercise.  If I have pain after that, then take percocet.  I am so fearful of becoming addicted.  One of the reasons I had the neurostimulator was so I could get off my medication.

The neurostimulator makes the cramping feel worse so I often end up turning it off.  Right now, I wish I hadn't had this surgery.  The stimulator isn't helping my pain.  The only thing that is would be the percocet.  Great-I'm at square one.

Slow and steady wins the race?

Continuing improvement - slow but steady.  Yesterday, I had the best day I've had in 2 months.  I'm using the stimulator all day.  Sitting continues to be painful.  I'll need to get new program updates soon.

Today is not quite as good as yesterday.  I have extreme low back pain and pressure in my hip.  The muscle cramping continues.

Slight Improvement

Yesterday, I took a 10 minute walk.  Again, cramping all the way.  If I walk on a slight incline, the cramping worsens.  I had the stimulator on but that didn't help.  My leg felt weaker - not sure if that was from the stimulator or not.

This morning, I spent 12 minutes on my stationary bike.  I had a little pain - I was tempted to ride longer but don't want to take a chance on impeding my recovery.

I sat for a total of about an hour so far today.  When I sit, it's usually for about 15 minutes at a time.  I'm up and down to minimize the time spent sitting.  My leg has started cramping this morning.  I guess it's from the sitting.  I know I had leg cramps/spasms before my recent surgery but can't remember if it was triggered by sitting.

I have the stimulator on now and will try to attempt working on a craft project.

Going to the grocery store..

For the first time in 7 weeks, I went to the grocery store on Sunday.  It went well although I paid for it on Monday - a lot of pain and had to take the big pain pills throughout the day.

Yesterday was a much better day - thankfully.  I took moderate strength pain pills 3 times and the "big gun" pill only once.  It was the best day I've had in a long, long time.  I was able to spend 11 minutes on my stationary bike.

My mid back continues to be a problem.  I believe I have weeks to go before that's gone.  After that, I'll have to deal with the sitting, standing and exercising problems.

My mental health comes and goes.  It mostly depends on how bad the pain is.

So far today, my pain has been slight except for my neck.  I had a cervical fusion 14 years ago and it continues to be another source of pain.  Once I get through the back issues (if I can), I'll have to try to find a better method of controlling my neck pain.  I've had botox injections in the neck and shoulder which helps to relax those muscles.  It probably helps to reduce the pain by 20% - not enough!