Pain Doctor's Recommendation

Yes, I went to the pain doctor and cried through most of the appointment.  He agreed that this surgery has set me back.  He wants me to move - who should stay in bed all day if it can possibly be helped?!

In an effort to give me a "jump start" to a positive recovery, he prescribed morphine!  What?  That's when I really started boo hooing.  Really?  That seems so extreme.  Never in my entire life would I have expected to be on morphine at some point.

This is not who I am.  I was once a successful healthcare administrator.  I had a 32 year career.  I had to stop working in 2008.  It had all become just too much.  It's pretty hard to give up a $90,000 annual salary.

Now, I'm 30 pounds heavier, lay in bed half the day - from the pain, and miserable.

I want my life back!!!!  I know I'll never be the same.  I'm no spring chicken but would like to be somewhat normal, at least.

Once I got through the initial shock, I agreed to the morphine.  Of course, my husband flipped out when I told him!  I've been taking it for 6 days.  I guess it helps a little.  I'm still taking tylenol 2x daily, occasional advil and flexeril.

Yesterday seemed to be a reasonable day.  I was on my stationary bike for 25 minutes and did a few light things around the house.  I was falling asleep at 7:45 last night so decided it was time to sleep.  Apparently, the things I did yesterday were exhausting for me.  I didn't sleep well after 10 pm and finally got up at 3:30am today.  Couldn't sleep because of the pain.  Fortunately, in my circumstance, I can always go back to sleep later.  If I still worked, then what would I do?

I'm back to the anger again.  I'm seeing my psychologist next Tuesday.

Tired of being patient, tired of fighting...

I thought writing about this would make things better for me psychologically but no.....  I thought I was getting better and maybe I have, a little.  I'm afraid of the pain which keeps me from doing things. Sometimes, the fear of the pain immobilizes me and sometimes, I push through it.  The result is usually horrible and then I can't see through the pain.

EVERYONE and I mean everyone thinks they have the answer.  I wish they did.  I've tried 80% of the things that are suggested by doctors, family and friends.

I'm 3 weeks post op and going to the pain doctor today.  I may have improved SLIGHTLY but not even close to being able to resume a normal life.  I can't even do the activities I did before this last surgery.  This surgery was not the answer.  Of course, I'll hopefully think differently in the near future.

I'm soooooooooo tired of fighting.